I watch you kiss him and I can literally feel my heart breaking into pieces. But I can’t stop you. So I smile. I hold back my eyes from bursting into tears and my mouth from wailing, I smile. I look at you. You look happy. I look at your smile. So beautiful. So breathtaking. The one I fell in heads over heels in love with. I wanted to be the one who makes you smile. But he does.
You message me later that night. “I feel like I’m losing you”. And I wanted to tell “Love, I’m the one who lost you. I am always yours without even asking.” But I don’t. How can I? You’re happy now. All I did was weigh you with my sadness. So I say ”No, it’s just my depression, don’t worry!” I bury my head in my pillow, which smells like you, and I cry. I cry so much that I don’t know when I fall asleep.
A few months later, when it’s just a dull pain, I wonder. You were the one who kissed me first. Sure, we never made anything official but shouldn’t a kiss mean something? I remember how I used to get butterflies for months after when I think of how you pinned me against the wall and kissed my neck so passionately that the fire in the pit of my stomach was roaring with intense ferocity. Do you do that with all your friends? I remember the nights we used to cuddle so fervently with nothing but our thin t-shirts separating our naked bodies. Do you dare to tell me that was completely innocent? I remember the times I used to talk and your eyes used to focus only on my lips. And more times than once, you would trace my bottom lip and make the goose bumps on my skin come to life. Is that how you usually listen? I remember the nights I would climb on you and kiss every part of you feverishly. When you didn’t plan on kissing me back, why didn’t you stop me?
I loved you so much, with every fiber of my soul and when you didn’t feel the same, why didn’t you stop me from falling? As my tears drip down my cheeks, I realize that I wasn’t the one who stupidly fell in love with her “best friend”. I was the one who fell for your actions, who believed in the fake hope you gave, of us.